The right word escapes me...

It's not resilience, or confidence, or boldness, or perseverance, or...

What is the word for what it takes to walk in this world as an ambitious woman or [insert other under-represented person here]?

This morning as I contemplated what my first newsletter back from my July break would be about, I took my morning coffee walk and listened to an episode of Jameela Jamil’s podcast, IWeigh. She was in conversation with Elizabeth Banks, and they covered a lot of great ground, but somewhat near the end of the conversation and my walk they started talking about Imposter Syndrome.

Imposter Syndrome is a bit of a bugaboo for me, and I’ve written about it before, notably when I started to notice that it was becoming a gendered thing. Imposter Syndrome started being most regularly mentioned as one more thing ambitious women needed to “fix” about themselves in order to succeed. You know, we needed to lean in, overcome our Imposter Syndrome and fix our vocal fry and use of the word “just” if we wanted to succeed.

You can read my post to see my full thoughts on the problems with this framing, but the bottom line is that a) men certainly have these feelings too and b) the positive aspects of knowing you don’t know everything, and in fact having a bit of humility to season your ambition, can be a good thing, but you’d never know it. As people seek to avoid what has now become a mindset attached negatively to femininity, they also avoid the kind of humility that can enhance leadership and innovation.

At first the Imposter Syndrome conversation on the podcast episode started going down the path I tend to find reductive. YES, the data do show that women won’t put themselves forward for things…promotions, jobs, running for office, until they feel 100% qualified (and sometimes until they’re approached/asked). YES, the data do show that women tend to under-rate their skills and talents, while men tend to over-rate them.

I could hear myself forming the “…but, but, but…” in my head, when Elizabeth Banks brought the convo around by talking about the other reality: Women’s trepidation is RATIONAL.

Because the data that was referenced even in the book Lean In itself, but never seemed to make as many headlines or be the subject of as many advice columns, also show that women are held to higher standards, are judged more harshly, do get more negative responses. Yes, a woman failing reflects on all women in a way a man’s failure never does. It’s actually NOT that women don’t negotiate. It’s that women negotiate but hear “no” more often. Especially if they are perceived as negotiating simply on their own behalf vs. articulating what they want in the context of some greater communal good.

(And yes, you can take all of the above and apply it even more to women of color.)

Where have the advice columns ever been on how not to be the person who does all of the above to a woman? Maybe that’s unfair. There are certainly countless training courses at countless companies about recognizing and eradicating unconscious bias. But I actually think a lot of it is not unconscious. What do you do about that?

As Jameela and Elizabeth wrapped up their convo they talked about the fact that you have to walk into situations knowing that ALL of the above is true. You’re going to feel fear and trepidation, and you’re going to have to tell yourself that those feelings are temporary and worth going through and just keep asking and trying and getting back up and going for it. (My paraphrasing words here, not theirs.)

I don’t disagree, but can we please come up for a word for this? A word that is not just about overcoming your own internal barriers but the world’s obvious external ones too.

A word that conveys optimism, but also righteous anger. A word that acknowledges hey, I need to work on me, but you most definitely have to work on you, get on that.

Resilience doesn’t do it for me. Resilience seems like it’s mostly about exercising that internal muscle. Resilience is about bouncing back, but is it about trying to be honest about how much the world needs to push forward?

Unfuckwithable? Maybe.

OK my word-smithing friends. What’s your word???

Last month-ish :)

I mentioned that I was taking July off from content creation in my last newsletter in June, and then I talked about it some more in Episode 62 of The Op-Ed Page podcast. I may have been slightly motivated by what a dumpster-fire the last week of June felt like. In case that already seems like a year ago to you (it does to me) we were coming out of, let’s see…Bill Cosby being released, Britney Spears revealing exactly how imprisoned she is, this Delta variant thing starting to rear its head and getting deja vu from last Fall as the winter surge started fomenting. And on a personal level, NYC prosecutors decided not to pursue prosecuting the Lyft driver who kidnapped and raped a friend of mine. So. That was…a lot. It’s a real upper of an episode, so don’t miss it!

And what did I do in July while not producing this newsletter? Read a lot. Published some bylines over at Kinder. Listened to a lot of podcasts. Binge-watched a lot of TV. Discovered PahlaB Fitness videos, thanks to Jory, and on most days exercised at least twice per day. Delivered on time and high-quality work for my clients too, natch. I did not, however, solve the world’s problems, nor even come to any brilliant conclusions about how I might change this newsletter.

How was your month?

Coming this week-ish

In keeping with my new content schedule of newsletter this week, podcast next week, and so on, I think the Quick Takes on next week’s episode of the podcast is going to be EPIC. (See reference above to all the reading, listening, and watching I did in July.)

Other things going on: I signed up for virtual TED (the first time I’m going to get a peek into what I call “big” TED, vs. TEDWomen and TEDx events. They’re actually convening live in Monterey, which still feels pretty risky to me, what with the Delta variant galloping along. But they had some pretty stringent guidelines, including a vaxx requirement and on-site testing, so I hope everyone stays OK.

I also signed up for a book launch event (tonight!!!) for James Lapine’s book Putting It Together, all about the creation of one of my top five musicals ever, Sunday in the Park with George. The livestream event will feature Lapine, Sondheim AND Mandy Patinkin and Bernadette Peters. How could I resist?

And I’m also going to a TueNight webinar about menopause tomorrow (4PM PT). Since I’m also reading The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter right now, I figured I might as well double down on the topic!

I have my own IRL book club meeting later that evening (in my backyard for the second time after 15 months of Zooms) and I can’t wait to discuss The Other Black Girl by Zakiyah Dalila Harris. I didn’t realize until 3/4 of the way in that it’s actually billed as a thriller, and that certainly explains why I felt my pulse racing while reading it. It’s SO discuss-able. Did you read it? LMK what you thought!

Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts on all of the above. This is basically my blog now! And as always I appreciate a share of this newsletter or my podcast. 

And if I can help you break through the things that are keeping you stuck, or if you’d love to work with someone to develop your own unfuckwithability (or insert your preferred word here), you can always set up your first introductory 30-minute consult for free by booking it in my Calendly.