I was that unmotivated teen
There may be hope yet for yours
Teens are struggling, and so are their parents.
My feeds, both private and public, have been filled with conversations about teenagers. They are struggling. Now, some of them are struggling in serious ways that need external help and support. The entire country, world really, is going through a traumatic, unending event, and rather than being able to come together as a community, we are in fact forced to be more isolated, more alone. In the worst case scenarios, some people may be sheltering in place with people causing them trauma. There is bad news about the rates of teen mental health issues and self-harm (adults too, I think). I in no way pretend I have the experience or expertise to give advice on those situations; ll I can do is offer love and support.
But even at the more benign end of the spectrum, kids are approaching the one year mark of schooling that is less than ideal, to be polite. I have one nephew who justifiably thinks both his senior year of high school and freshman year in college have been ruined. A niece who took a gap year because she’s hoping her senior year in college can be more normal if she waits until Fall 2021…and it’s far from certain that will end up being true. Another nephew whose first two years of high school (so far) are anything but typical. They’re all hanging in there, but I can’t blame them for feeling like their generation has gotten the short end of the stick.
Even before this pandemic I often saw friends online and off wonder what to do about their kids who they described as smart, capable, but “not applying themselves” in school. Those worries have evolved over the years…screen time is a much bigger part of the concern and struggle than it used to be…but the fundamentals are the same. “My kid is a good, smart kid…why aren’t they doing better in school? Because I totally think they could be doing better in school.”
I have often reached out to tell them that it might be OK. Because I was that unmotivated teen. For any number of reasons, some more serious than others, but reasons that resulted in the fact that I did. not. care. about. school. I wasn’t always that way, but by high school I was in the firmly “not applying myself” camp. And you know what? It continued into college; I didn’t turn it around. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t failing. I cared enough not to get Ds and Fs, but that was the bar. I got some As, some Bs, and more than one C…and my brother and sister were literal 4.0 valdictorian types, so this was not appreciated by my parents. But I didn’t care. It’s not even that I got Cs in the topic I didn’t like. I sometimes got Cs in subjects I liked perfectly well.
So, what kept me from doing even worse? I wanted to stave off consequences. In my case one motivator was theatre. If I was flunking I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to continue to do theatre. The second motivator that I just didn’t want to have to talk about why I wasn’t doing well. I didn’t want it to be a thing. I did just well enough to keep my parents off my back most of the time, basically.
Even with college. I’m pretty sure I mostly went because I knew I was supposed to go. And I did my best to be as easily in and out of there in four years as I possibly could. I picked an affordable state university near my home, lived at home during college, worked and saved money, all so I could skip town to move to NYC once I graduated, and I did so without debt and with some money in the bank. I was always just focused on what came after school. That’s what I wanted to get to, and that’s what I cared about, and I didn’t necessarily see school as this necessary thing to pursue the life I wanted.
Right or wrong, that’s what I did and who I was. Right or wrong one of my strongest motivators was not wanting to have to talk about it.
And whether I did school right or wrong, I think I later did life pretty well. I could apply myself. I could learn and constantly learn new things. I could buckle down. I could work hard. I could be a self-motivator and self-starter. And I could do what, honestly, I did the entire time I was in school, I could check the boxes that needed to be checked.
All to say; I was that unmotivated teen going through some stuff. I turned out OK. Maybe the first part of my story sounds like a cautionary tale to you. I hope it sounds more like the opening exposition to an epic tale of adventure instead :)
Let me know if you have any questions or thoughts or if this helps (or doesn’t help at all).
Last week-ish
Episode 45 of The Op-Ed Page podcast dropped, and I covered a pretty wide range of issues. I touched on the De-Platform Debate I wrote about a little more at length in last week’s newsletter. I talked about words, how they matter, and offered what I’d like to think is a pretty simple bit of advice: Don’t say you “admire” Nazis. You wouldn’t, right? Obviously there’s more to the story there, you can listen and see if you agree with my analogy. And finally, I had to close on a lighter note with some quick pop culture takes. I’ve been reading and watching and I have recommendations. Check it out please.
Coming next week-ish
In this week’s upcoming podcast, I think I need to talk about Schitt’s Creek, which I just finished. It’s that kind of show. I mean I’m sure there will be other topics to cover and stuff going down in the world that I should discuss. But I need to talk about the Roses.
As always I appreciate a share of this newsletter or my podcast. And I appreciate feedback and hearing from you too.
And if you think I can help you break through the things that are keeping you stuck, you can always set up your first introductory 30-minute consult for free by booking it in my Calendly.
Have a great week-ish!
I often think of previous generations who also got the short end of the stick: young men and women whose lives were upended by wars (WWI, WWII, Vietnam, etc.) or the different depressions (1930's, 2008). So many young peoples' lives affected and changed because of worldwide situations that were beyond their control and that changed the trajectory of their lives. This pandemic (and the political upheavals) will have the same affects on this generation in that their lives did not go as planned. What/how they make of the need to change is up to them and the resources we provide as a nation and as a world.
I appreciate this, as someone who's got two young people in the house who are at or near teen years. It's a bit of a rollercoaster. For the most part, they're OK, but occasionally there's a rough patch because of the pandemic. It's been helpful for me to keep in mind "it's not forever!" And that they're like you in that they know themselves, and know what they need to feel better in a healthy way. But whew, some days.